Saying "I love you" without words

Dave and I had our code.

When I first came to visit he came to Miami to meet me and we drove to Deltona. We held hands the whole drive here! We had to make up for the nine months we had been talking online, only dreaming of being together.

On the way here he told me about the code his parents had to say "I love you" without saying the words. They squeezed the other one's hand (or arm) three times. That was their way to tell each other "We may be in the middle of a crowd, but you're the only one here that really matters to me." So that became our code too.

We said "I love you" often, with or without words. One day, after we got married, we were here in this very family room, I think he was leaving for work, and of course we said I love you, and we both spread our arms at the same time, to show the other how big our love was. We laughed that we were thinking and doing the same thing, and we incorporated that to our code.

It was funny when we were in public and people saw us spread our arms at the same time.

Sometimes when we were snuggling in bed we would just lift one arm or a leg, sometimes we would just slightly lift a hand and we knew what that meant. And there was no better feeling in the world than having that person and knowing that our love kept growing strong.

When Dave got sick the last time, the tumors in his brain made communication almost impossible. In October he couldn't remember my name. In early January he couldn't walk. Late January he couldn't talk. Sometimes I would tell him "I love you" and have no response, like he didn't know who I was.

On the day he died, I sat by the bed and held his hand most of the day. Even if he didn't know who I was, even if he didn't know I was there, I wanted to be there for him. He seemed to be in a coma, unresponsive and unaware of what was around him, but I wasn't going to let anything break the bond between us.

I squeezed his hand three times.

And he lifted his hand.

Just a fraction of an inch, but enough for me to notice.

I did it again, and again he lifted his hand.

He was there, and he still loved me!

That was our last "I love you". That was our goodbye.

Six months ago today.