First chat 11/22/99

Neysa - :))))))))))))))
DOC - Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Baby!
Neysa - how are you, meu querido?
DOC - Hold on a second.... I need to take a phone call.
Neysa - ok
DOC - I'm sorry, it was David asking a question about the car show this weekend. This is exciting, except that on ICQ you will probably meet some nice Brazilian man and forget about me.
Neysa - eheheheheh I doubt it. (I've been thinking almost the same of you)
DOC - Gee... no trust all ready. I suppose you think I profess my undying love to everyone I talk to. :) I sent you an email a few minutes ago to your yahoo. Did you get it.????
Neysa - yes have you already taken your shower?
Neysa - by the way, I trust you, but I don't trust the other women... ;)
DOC - No, I just sent the email and there you were like magic.
Neysa - go eat something. I'll get a cup of hot milk for myself. how long will you take?
DOC - about 30 minutes to do everything.
Neysa - ok I'll be back in 30 minutes. need help in the shower?
DOC - Mmmmmmmm, Yes!
…
Neysa - are you still in the shower waiting for me?
DOC - No, I've been out for a long time, but I couldn't get back on ICQ. It was just trying and trying, but wouldn't go through. I was just about to try sending you an email.
Neysa - :)
DOC - It's about your bed time, isn't it?
Neysa - almost but I'll have to wait until after midnight to call support
DOC - Are you there? I've been trying to get back on ICQ and it just now went through.

“DOC - " enters the chat
DOC - Hi Sweetie.
Neysa - hi
Neysa - :)
DOC - Now isn't this fun?
DOC - Are you talking to someone else? I can wait for a bit if you like.
Neysa - it's ok now
Neysa - I was talking with a friend
DOC - This should be easier than the phone?
Neysa - now I'm all yours
DOC - Glad it's my turn! I don't mind taking turns as long as I'm the last one in line.
Neysa - :)
DOC - Have you done ICQ before? YOu seem to know what you are doing.
Neysa - kind of
Neysa - I registered on ICQ about 2 years ago
Neysa - have been away for 6 months
DOC - I just downloaded it about three weeks ago to talk to a car club friend and since then, I can' t go on line cause people keep trying to chat and there aren't many people I want to talk to. I'll just talk to you, OK?
Neysa - ok
Neysa - I'm invisible to everybody else
Neysa - for your eyes onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
DOC - I have a short week. I am off tomorrow and then half day Wednesday and then off for Thankgiving holiday until Monday.
Neysa - good
Neysa - will you travel?
DOC - I'm invisible to everyone else too. I usually stay that way, but since I don't have anyone but you and Rick in my list, no one writes to me.
DOC - No, if anything, I want to spend the holiday with the kids, but that means spending it at "HER" house.
Neysa - are you still friends?
DOC - No, I wouldn't call it friends. We get along OK, if we don't talk too much, but I don't hate her.... YET!
Neysa - eheheheheheh
Neysa - ok let's talk about other things
DOC - every conversation that lasts for more than a few minutes turns into an argument and I don't like to argue.
DOC - OK!
DOC - Are the babies asleep?
Neysa - I don't want to make you angry
Neysa - yes, they are
Neysa - Yara had a fever today
DOC - There isn't anything you could do to make me angry!!!!!
Neysa - :)
DOC - I'm sorry she's sick, but babies run fevers all the time. YOu don't think it was the chocolate cookie, do you?
Neysa - Dave, Dave, Dave
Neysa - no
Neysa - it was the vaccines
DOC - Oh, that's right, I forgot. Poor thing, did she scream?
Neysa - yes
Neysa - did you answer the other e-mail?
DOC - My daughter had three when she was about 8 years old and it took four of us to hold her down. She said she wouldn't allow it again.
DOC - All I got was an email telling me you were back on line at home.
Neysa - there was another e-mail I sent you in the morning
Neysa - when I told you about the vaccines
Neysa - ;)
DOC - Yes, I remember that one. I don't know if I did or not. I was so excited you were on at home, I probably forgot.
Neysa - :)
Neysa - ok
Neysa - I made two questions
Neysa - but don't answer them now
Neysa - or we'll have nothing to talk about in our mail
DOC - No, I don't smoke and my favorite food is probably anything that tastes good. I like Italian food and I like Mexican or Spanish food.
DOC - Too late! I already answered them.
Neysa - ahahahahahah
Neysa - ok
DOC - There is still lots of stuff to talk in email about.
Neysa - I'll forget what you said and you'll tell me again later
DOC - Do you smoke and what is your favorite food????
Neysa - I do NOT smoke
Neysa - I like fish
Neysa - shrimp
DOC - There is an old joke where the guy asks the girl if she smokes after sex and she says, "I don't know, I've never looked".
Neysa - ahahahahahah
Neysa - I'll test some of the icons up there
Neysa - let me see
Neysa - Neysa - picks a flower and hands it to you
Neysa - :)
DOC - Living where i do, so close to the ocean and gulf, I grew up on seafood. I like it but not all the time. I love shrimp, lobster and certain fish. My mother used to make a big meal of fried Grouper (SeaBass) and she would make "hushpuppies" do you know what those are.
DOC - How do you do that? Thank you for the flower.
Neysa - see the icons up on your screen?
DOC - DOC - blows you a kiss
DOC - Neat!!!!
Neysa - Neysa - grins mischievously
Neysa - ahahahahaha
DOC - DOC - Dave get's all excited!!!!
Neysa - Neysa - gives you a big warm hug
DOC - DOC - licks your neck
DOC - We need to stop this!
Neysa - hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
DOC - You are toooooo far away for me to get all excited.
DOC - So... do you know what Hushpuppies are?
Neysa - I've seen a recipe
Neysa - but it looked strange
DOC - My mom made good ones. With the fried fish and vegetables, it was a meal to remember.
DOC - They are just balls of cornbread and onions fried.
Neysa - yes, that's it
Neysa - wait a minute
DOC - OK
Neysa - Yara is crying
DOC - Go see!
DOC - I'll be here!
Neysa - I'm back
DOC - Hello Back!
Neysa - ahahahahahhaha
DOC - Is she OK? Poor baby...
Neysa - yes, she is
DOC - So, do you want to talk about hushpuppies or neck licks and hugs?
Neysa - which do you prefer?
DOC - How about hugging a hushpuppy? Or licking one. Maybe a hushpuppy on your neck?
Neysa - :)
DOC - Do you want to hear my classifying of kisses? I have broken them down into four types.
Neysa - yes
Neysa - I'm curious
DOC - I knew you would say that!
Neysa - ehehehehehheheh
DOC - #1 - This is a kiss you might give afriend or parent. Maybe your children. Dry lips and just a peck.
DOC - #2 - moist kiss on lips or anywhere on the body. This is sometimes accompanied by some light tongue touching and eyes open or closed as an option.
Neysa - hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Neysa - go on
DOC - #3 - serious romantic kiss. Very wet lips and heavy breathing. much more tongue contact but not slobbery. Especially effective for administering on other parts than the lips.
DOC - #4 - Full contact, all out mashing, slobbery, full tongue, all abandon with eyes open AND closed. Usually reserved for the deepest throes of passion.
DOC - That's it. My favorites are #2 and #3.
Neysa - my favorites are #1, #2, #3 and #4
Neysa - depending on the ocasion, of course
DOC - You are a tease. I like them all too. Right now!!!!!! is a good occasion. I'll be there in 20 minutes!
Neysa - I think I'll like ti try them with you.
Neysa - to try them
Neysa - Oh my
Neysa - what am I doing here
DOC - We can do a clinical study of kisses and take notes. You know... record effects and what it does for each other. Sharpen your pencil.
Neysa - :)
DOC - I don't know... what are you doing here? Are we getting toooooo personal?
Neysa - no
Neysa - I meant I should be there
DOC - Wouldn't it be fun to set a timer for one hour and only kiss for that time. No further, just kisses for one full hour.
DOC - I think kisses are the most intimate thing two people can do.
Neysa - why only one hour?
Neysa - yes
DOC - It would be hard to just kiss and nothing else for an hour.
Neysa - maybe
Neysa - Neysa - grins mischievously
DOC - needs to change the subject again. I'm way too alone for this.
Neysa - you said you're coming here next year?
Neysa - ;)
DOC - :-*
DOC - I hope so. I would love to see Brazil with you. What are the waterfalls in Parana?
Neysa - Can you believe I've never been there?
Neysa - They say it's beautiful!
DOC - What is the name? I remember reading about them when I was studying about you and your country. I have read everything I can find on Brazil. See, I am obsessed!
Neysa - Cataratas do Iguaçu
DOC - Which means??????
Neysa - Iguaçu Waterfalls
DOC - Can you write Iguacu phonetically for me so I'll know how it's pronounced?
DOC - Is it - Ig-wa-coo?
Neysa - ee-gwa-soo
Neysa - ç sounds like s
DOC - Oh the "C" with the little thing under it is "S".
Neysa - yes
DOC - You are reading my mind again!
Neysa - so
Neysa - do you have an mp3 player?
DOC - Did you find me an ugly picture of you to send yet? I have others too and you're right, people shouldn't only send good pictures because that may not be the real person. What is inside is very important, but outside is important too. I don't think you will scare me off that easy, cause I really like what's inside.
DOC - This computer I am on, doesn't have a sound card. I have several but never installed one. I suppose I should.
Neysa - ok
DOC - Why?
Neysa - I have some songs here
Neysa - Certas Coisas, by Lulu Santos
Neysa - Years of Solitude
DOC - I'm off tomorrow and will be working on a friends computer. If I get time, I'll install a sound card and down load a player. You can send it to me now if you want and I'll save it.
Neysa - ok
Neysa - is there a limit to the size of the files I can send to hotmail?
DOC - That is the song you told me about before isn't it? If it's in Portuguese, I won' t understand it anyway.
Neysa - Years of Solitude is only instrumental
Neysa - Certas Coisas is beautiful. I'd like you to listen and tell me if you liked.
DOC - You can send it to or to my ISP address, I know Yahoo limits attachments to 1500kb.
Neysa - I can translate it for you
DOC - I will listen to anything you send and look at anything you send. Can you compress yourself and send YOU???
Neysa - :)))
Neysa - I'd LOVE to!!!
DOC - No, don't do that. I'm afraid you'd get lost in cyberspace.
Neysa - :)
Neysa - I'll take an airplane
Neysa - ;)
DOC - :-(
DOC - :-)
Neysa - don't
Neysa - ok
DOC - OK, I'll pick you up at the airport. I suppose that means I'll have to clean house?
Neysa - who cares?
DOC - That will take a couple months! :)
Neysa - ahahahahahaha
Neysa - are there any rats in your bedroom?
DOC - This house needs so much work, I don't know where to start.
DOC - Just ME!
Neysa - I thought you were a grizzly bear
Neysa - ;)
DOC - YUP, that's me.
Neysa - You know
DOC - My bedroom is not too bad. I was supposed to get a King sized matress and get rid of the water bed, and after I removed the water bed, the deal on the king size bed fell through, so I have David's trundle bed mattresses in the water bed frame and my feet hang off the ends.
DOC - Way to small.
Neysa - :)
DOC - Do I know What???
Neysa - wait a minute
Neysa - ok, I'm back
Neysa - Hi Back
Neysa - eheheheheh
Neysa - are you there?
Neysa - :(
DOC - Hi, I ran to the bathroom. Had to pee!
Neysa - it was another sad story
DOC - What sad story?
Neysa - I had a miscarriage years ago
Neysa - it would be a boy
Neysa - I had chosen his name
DOC - How far were you? I know that can be traumatic.
Neysa - David
DOC - OH, sweetie, I'm sorry.
DOC - NO, you are kidding me!
Neysa - no, I'm not
DOC - Why David?
Neysa - I like it
Neysa - of course in Portuguese we pronounce it different
Neysa - we say Dah-vee
DOC - I'm named after my maternal grandfather that I never knew. In fact my mother never knew him either. she was only a year old. His name was, Henry Issac David Greer.
DOC - One of the ladies I work with calls me, Da-veeee.
Neysa - :)
Neysa - you have a middle name?
DOC - My name is David Ray Miller. My dad's name was Raymond Miller. About half the family is named after him. My daughter is Denesha Rae Miller and my son is David Ray Jr.
Neysa - Yara is named after my grandmother
DOC - You need to go to bed sweetie. I could talk to you all night but we have time to continue this later.
DOC - I don't want you to go, but it's after midnight there isn't it?
Neysa - yes
Neysa - oops
Neysa - yes
Neysa - I think I have to go
Neysa - :(
DOC - Do you think in Portuguese or English? Do you ever dream in English?
DOC - OK, you can answer that in an email.
Neysa - I think in English
DOC - This was fun, but it makes me want to meet you even more, so it's sad to say goodnight. HUH???
Neysa - I can't remember if I dream in English or Portuguese
Neysa - What kiss are you going to give me? #1? #2? #3?
Neysa - Neysa - grins mischievously
DOC - Send me the songs and check your yahoo box tomorrow when you get to work. I will send you a good morning note.
Neysa - ok
DOC - I think #1 would lead to #4 pretty quick. I'd never make an hour.
Neysa - :)
DOC - For a good night, maybe a #2 would be best. With a hug, of course.
Neysa - ok
DOC - I'll talk to you tomorrow. I'm going now so we don't make this a long goodbye.
DOC - :-*
Neysa - nite

Dave 11/22/99 - Re: Here I am!

Neysa 11/22/99 - Here I am!

Neysa 11/22/99 – Good morning

Hi, Meu Querido.


How was your weekend?

Kimie is learning to play keyboard, and yesterday (Saturday) was her first recital. She played "Eu Sei Que Vou Te Amar". It was beautiful, and I was so proud!

She also loves English, and sometimes she asks me to talk to her in English. She understands much more than I did when I was her age.

We’re starting to give Yara different kinds of food. This morning we gave her a cookie covered with chocolate. It was so funny! There was chocolate all over her when she finished. It’s a shame we didn’t have a film in the camera to take a picture. I did take a picture the first time she ate soup (I’ll attach this one). She looks so happy!

Now about your picture again, you are far and I couldn’t see much. But it looks ok. Nothing to be scared of. Really. I like you. You’re such a sweet person, you’re honest, you trust me, you’re not afraid to show me who you really are. That’s what I love about you, and this is more important than any picture. Anyway, it was nice of you to send me one picture that you don’t like. I also have pictures that I don’t like. People look at them and say there’s nothing wrong, but I just don’t like them (that one where you can see my body is one of those). I’ll see if I find a really bad one and send to you (if I have the guts!)

In any case, it would be silly if I tried to show myself to you different than I really am. What if you fell in love with that person? You’d eventually find out it wasn’t really me, and then it would be over. I think neither of us want to waste time playing this kind of game.

Now about my fetishes... I’ve been thinking about it, and I couldn’t find any. Of course, there are many things that I like (a huge bed with thousands of pillows, for instance - and other more specific, which I’ll NEVER be able to mention...) Well, this IS an important subject, and I’m glad to know that you don’t want the honeymoon ever to be over. ;)

I’ll let you know if I can think of anything close to a fetish. There MUST be one!

Tomorrow (Monday) morning I’m taking Yara to take her vaccines, and after that I’ll make her application for a new nursery. So, I’ll be a little late for work. Hope you get this before leaving for work. I missed you!

Now tell me:
do you smoke?
What’s you favorite food?
Hugs & kisses

Neysa

Dave 11/19/99 – Re: Weekends

Hi Tootsie,

It would be nice to be able to talk to you on weekends, but when David visits, I don't spend much time on mine. If I knew you were going to write, I would log on a couple times a day, though.

March is probably the most pleasant month here. It is our spring and it is not very hot and not very cold. I have an obligation the weekend of the 15th through the 19th. We have an annual race at the Sebring Race track here in Florida. I hate for you to think of spending that money. It would be very expensive. Of course... you're only 40 once. Maybe if I stopped having birthdays, you would catch up with me.:) Yes, I take vacations, but I haven't taken one in the last couple years, because it's not fun alone. Plus, during the racing season, we are traveling about two weekends a month to race in the Southeast US. My biggest problem right now, is having the money to enjoy a vacation.
Hopefully after the first of the year, I can get some of those problems resolved.

I'm very pleased to hear that my photo didn't frighten you as much as a horror movie. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me. :) I'll get you for that remark! Paybacks are Hell!!!!

The only Brazilian movies I've seen were from Rio and included lots of naked people doing all sorts of things. I doubt they received any film awards.
NO... I've never seen a Brazilian Movie. It would have to be subtitled obviously, since when it comes to Portuguese, I don't know a Meu from a Minha.

My eyes are blue. I thought I told you about my work. I am an investigator for the Office of the Public Defender. When a person is arrested for a crime, he is taken before a judge within 48 hours. The judge will ask him/her if they can afford to pay an attorney to represent them and if they cannot, he appoints a Public Defender. This Public Defender is a state employee attorney and represents only those who cannot afford an attorney.
I'm sure you have seen American movies where the police "Read rights" to a person. It's called a "Miranda Warning" after a Mexican that was arrested for Rape in the State of Arizona many years ago and confessed without counseling an attorney. His conviction was overturned by the US Supreme Court, because our constitution guarantees representation in court.
ANYWAY!... the Miranda Warning is the "You have the right to remain silent... and there is a part in there that says, "You have the right to an attorney, now or at anytime during questioning. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed for you at not cost." etc etc.
After that long story I've just told you, I'll tell you what I do. I fullfil requests from court appointed attorneys, for investigative services.
I mostly locate witnesses and interview them, but I also serve court summons on people, take photographs and measurements at crime scenes, secure documents and records and lots of other stuff.

I like it very much, but now I will shut up and send this. Think about me and I'll talk to you MONDAY! attached is picture of David Jr. with his dirtbike and my old truck. He was getting ready to wake up the squirrels and bunnies.

Sorriso,
Dave

Saying "I love you" without words

Dave and I had our code.

When I first came to visit he came to Miami to meet me and we drove to Deltona. We held hands the whole drive here! We had to make up for the nine months we had been talking online, only dreaming of being together.

On the way here he told me about the code his parents had to say "I love you" without saying the words. They squeezed the other one's hand (or arm) three times. That was their way to tell each other "We may be in the middle of a crowd, but you're the only one here that really matters to me." So that became our code too.

We said "I love you" often, with or without words. One day, after we got married, we were here in this very family room, I think he was leaving for work, and of course we said I love you, and we both spread our arms at the same time, to show the other how big our love was. We laughed that we were thinking and doing the same thing, and we incorporated that to our code.

It was funny when we were in public and people saw us spread our arms at the same time.

Sometimes when we were snuggling in bed we would just lift one arm or a leg, sometimes we would just slightly lift a hand and we knew what that meant. And there was no better feeling in the world than having that person and knowing that our love kept growing strong.

When Dave got sick the last time, the tumors in his brain made communication almost impossible. In October he couldn't remember my name. In early January he couldn't walk. Late January he couldn't talk. Sometimes I would tell him "I love you" and have no response, like he didn't know who I was.

On the day he died, I sat by the bed and held his hand most of the day. Even if he didn't know who I was, even if he didn't know I was there, I wanted to be there for him. He seemed to be in a coma, unresponsive and unaware of what was around him, but I wasn't going to let anything break the bond between us.

I squeezed his hand three times.

And he lifted his hand.

Just a fraction of an inch, but enough for me to notice.

I did it again, and again he lifted his hand.

He was there, and he still loved me!

That was our last "I love you". That was our goodbye.

Six months ago today.

Neysa 11/19/99 - Weekends

Dave 11/19/99 - Re: CHILDREN, MOVIES, SAD STORIES AND THE ELEPHANT MAN

Friday, November 19th, 7:40am

Hi Sunshine,

People can be cruel, especially children. Whether it's the little boy or girl that is very overweight or one who is different in some other way. Any deviation from the norm is exploited and, you're right, people don't realize that there is a thinking, hurting, normal human being inside.
I feel very warm with your telling of your story. It shows that you have trust in me and I want trust. I will never violate it.

In the last few years my hearing has deteriorated. I grew up with a father that had ear problems and remember well my frustration when I constantly had to repeat myself. I also remember his impatience when I would just say "Never mind" instead of saying it again. He would say that if it wasn't worth repeating then it wasn't worth saying in the first place. Now, the shoe is on the other foot. I am experiencing what HE must have. I can hear OK on the phone and if people speak clearly and I can see their mouth, I don't have a problem, but some people mumble and talk softly. I strain and watch their mouth closely, even trying to get closer, but when I do, they just talk more softly. I find myself avoiding conversation, contact and communication with people. Some people in my office that are new and don't know me, think I'm not friendly because I sometimes don't respond to them.
I find myself just smiling and shaking my head in a non-descript manner, not knowing if an affirmative response is appropriate to what ever they asked me or said to me. In the hall, when I pass someone, I always smile but then look away quickly and walk fast like I'm in a hurry to get someplace. I figure this way, they won't try to begin idle conversation. There is nothing wrong with a hearing aid. It's no different than glasses to see, but I have a problem with becoming dependent on a device. I suppose I will have to do something soon. Sometimes, I'm called to testify in court and it's embarrassing when I can't hear attorneys questions or the judges instructions. I make excuses that I'm just getting over a cold and ear infection and can't hear because of that.

Anyway, as an adult, I can deal with it. I can't imagine what a child must go through when they are parked like a piece of furniture and the world moves around them, ignoring them.

I have a cousin that is in a wheelchair after a childhood falling accident.
She damaged her spinal cord and has no feeling in her legs. When we were children, I tried to treat her like anyone else and not make a big deal about her affliction. I watched the other kids make jokes and treat her like she wasn't a living, feeling person. As an adult, she has told me, as you have, how she felt and what her feelings were when she was small. She is a doctor now and works with kids with physical problems in a children's hospital. I visit her sometimes at work and help moving the children around and entertaining them. I feel good when I leave.

I know that your experience has made you stronger and a more compassionate person. God has a reason for everything and you may not be as sweet as you are if it wasn't for the experience. Thank you for sharing that with me and now we will forget it and move on. I must admit, I'm glad you don't look like the Elephant Man!

There was another movie similar to that, called "Mask". It was with Cher Bono and her son was deformed. Very sad, but very uplifting too. You say you cry a lot. I say you cry for others and not yourself. That's called compassion and it's a very good trait. Keep it up!

No, Pitootie has no meaning, just cute. I still like "Sunshine" best. I see it in your eyes and the eyes are the window to the soul.

So... what are we going to do about all the miles between us. Maybe we can get the Brazilian government to move the country closer. I would try here, but our government can't get ANYTHING done. Is is hard to get a visitors Visa to come to the US? Is is hard to visit Brazil? I need to investigate this, even though I have no idea when I could do it. If we were closer, we would have already met and that's frustrating. Maybe a rich relative will die and leave me tons of money. Or maybe I'll rob a bank.

I'd better go to work now. Hope you are having a nice day. Kiss the babies for me when you get home. I'll miss you this weekend. You need to get Internet at home and we could chat live on ICQ or someplace like that. I would like to call you again, but I'll wait for a time. I can't afford frequent calls to "Cuurrr-a-Teeba".

Attached is terrible picture of me. I look like I just got out of bed. My son took it with the digital camera about two weeks ago. If you get past this, it's all down hill!

luv,
dave

Neysa 11/19/99 - CHILDREN, MOVIES, SAD STORIES AND THE ELEPHANT MAN

When I was about 1 year old, I was diagnosed with bilateral congenital hip dislocation. My parents didn’t suspect of anything wrong until I started to walk. I was put in a cast for more than a year, to make the bones fit in the right place. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t play. My grandmother used to bring me to the kitchen table, and I would listen to the radio and play with the silverware while she cooked. She was my best friend. And I could sing every song they played on the radio.

I think that’s why I’m a little quiet and shy. At the time I should be running and playing with the other kids, I had to play alone. I had a cousin who came to play with me once in a while. Her favorite toy was always the one she saw in my hands. And I couldn’t run after her.

After that my life was a series of doctors, trips and X-rays. The cast didn’t fix my bones, and we often travelled to Rio or São Paulo (we lived in Curitiba then) looking for a doctor who knew what to do. Then more casts, then braces, and no result.

I think most of my childhood was normal. Of course I couldn’t run like the other kids, but I went to school, I helped my mother sometimes at home, and sometimes I even went out to buy bread or any other small things she would need.

One day, when I was 9 years old, I was going to buy bread, I heard a woman say to her daughter when I passed by them, "Poor girl. She’s a cripple."

I’m not sure if this word in English expresses the same exact meaning of the word she used in Portuguese.

I was surprised by what I had just heard. I had no idea that this was how people saw me. I never saw myself as such. My parents never treated me as such.

Thinking about it now, I can imagine how they must have suffered, how they must have tried to protect me. Even so, they always taught me to be independent.

I continued on my way, but those words wouldn’t go out of my mind. So, that’s what the world thought I was.Fortunately, I never settled for that. I knew that they were wrong.

I can’t say that those words didn’t hurt me. They did. I didn’t know how to fight, I didn’t know what to do.

It took me some time to learn that my attitude would show them who I really was. You can’t fight against what people think. The only way to prove they’re wrong is to show them what you really are.. Little by little. Day by day. It takes longer. But it works.

I found out that there are many cripples with perfect bodies and minds. They are very good at finding excuses not to do what they should do. Always complaining. Always showing the world how unfortunate they are. That’s their choice. Not mine.

I never felt sorry for myself, and I never let anybody feel sorry for me. It’s a waste of time, and I have better things to do.

It happened other times. Some people would even try to offend me. But then I was already prepared for that.

I’ve noticed that many people are just incapable of looking in the eyes of someone who has a physical problem. They just don’t know how to deal with it, and they try to protect themselves from feelings they can’t handle. And they end up making you invisible. They prefer not to see. They forget you have feelings. They really don’t think you have feelings. I guess they think you’re so busy being a cripple that you wouldn’t have time to talk, to smile, to have ideas.

I know these people NEVER meant to hurt me. It’s just that they don’t know what else to do.

Finally, after countless doctors and X-rays, I was operated when I was 11, and my hips were fixed, in November 1971. After the surgery, I used another cast for 3 months, until the bones consolidated.

When Christmas came, the whole family came to celebrate in our house. I couldn’t walk, so my parents decided to put me in the living room couch, so I could participate in the party. Cousins, uncles, aunts, they would all come from one room to another, and avoided to look when they passed by me.

They wouldn’t want me to see in their eyes how sorry they were. And when our eyes crossed, they wouldn’t know what to say.

I know how it feels to be invisible. I know how it feels not to be seen as a person.

When I first watched the Elephant Man, I didn’t just cry. I sobbed! I knew exactly how he felt. And I admired his courage.

All this I just told you, Dave, is part of me. Part of what I am.

It all made me grow to be the person I am today. And I think I am a much better person than I would be if I hadn’t had those experiences.

I’m not bitter. I’m not sorry. I had the strength to overcome everything. I love life. I love people. I love to see beauty wherever it is. I love that little girl I once was. (sometimes I just wish I could hug her and kiss her and tell her it’s all right) And most of all, I love myself. I WON!

Dave,

you told me not to hold back. I’m not holding back, as you can see. God knows what it took me to write this. Very few people have heard this story. But I think I’ve been built around those sad experiences, and anyone who wants to know me should know them.
Again, I’m not sad, and I’m not unhappy. I don't think the world owe me anything. So, don’t be sad or unhappy for me.

I’ll be lighter in the next messages, I promise!


Love,

Neysa

Dave 11/18/99 – Re: Manteiga derretida

Hi Moonbeam,

I like to learn new things and language has always fascinated me. All the world is tied by language and English (or American) is such a combination of other world language. We are a "Melting Pot" of cultures with many trying to retain some of their heritage. I'm sure it's the same there. Grottos of different nationalities grouping together. In Orlando, there are sections of Puerto Rican, Cuban, Italian and even Vietnamese. The restaurants are good and the culture sharing is educational.
Are you raising your girls to be bi-lingual? It's so much easier when they are young to give them the gift of language. It's hard to force yourself to speak in a language that isn't natural to you. It's hard to express yourself and your feelings when the words are different. Some words in Portuguese, probably fit your expression better than any available word in English. It's natural and is the same in reverse. In the Baltic countries of Europe, for instance, one of the most vulgar and profane things you can say, is literally translated to English as "Blood of a Dog". Now... when I hit my finger with a hammer, that phrase doesn't come to mind. We have other expletives.
I too... believe that men of small stature probably compensate with a "Rooster" attitude. I believe psychologists call it a "Napoleon Complex".
I assume because he was a small man and strutted his power to make him feel larger. It is the same with women who are very tall. They don't wear high heels on shoes and try to dress so as to not accentuate their height. I like small women because when I hold them in my arms, I feel like they are a small bird in my hand. I think women like larger men, because they feel secure and protected. Even a tiny woman can control immense power in a man if they love him and he loves her. That, I'm sure is a good feeling.
After thinking about it, I should realize you probably haven't seen "Brian's Song". It is a true story about a white American Football player who dies of Cancer and his relationship with a black friend who plays on the same team. It is a sad and touching story that is even more emotional because it's true. I cry at any story involving children who are somehow involved in something that children shouldn't be involved in. We have an organization here called "The make a wish" foundation. It makes dreams come true for children who are terminally ill. I've met some of these courageous kids that know they are going to die. They are strong in spirit and don't feel sorry for themselves. They live every day they have, like it was their last. Why can't we all do that, every day of our lives?

I don't pray as much as I should. Sometimes I feel hypocritical because I only do when I feel the need. I suppose that giving thanks for every breath and every sunrise is the way to have a good relationship with God. I am secure in my belief and can't understand how people can deny the existence of a supreme deity. Anyone who has experienced or witnessed the birth of a child, can't possibly believe there is no God. I helped with both of mine and delivered two myself when I was a police officer. Holding a newborn when it takes its first breath will bring tears to the eyes of the most macho man. If it doesn't, then he has NO emotion.

Gotta go to work my little melted butter. I like your letters and look forward to them. Like I told you, it doesn't matter what you talk about as long as it's something that will help me know you better. I wish you were closer.

hugs & kisses,
dave

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant, I couldn't stand to have the old man around. When I got to be twenty one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."
-Mark Twain