Dave 11/19/99 - Re: CHILDREN, MOVIES, SAD STORIES AND THE ELEPHANT MAN

Friday, November 19th, 7:40am

Hi Sunshine,

People can be cruel, especially children. Whether it's the little boy or girl that is very overweight or one who is different in some other way. Any deviation from the norm is exploited and, you're right, people don't realize that there is a thinking, hurting, normal human being inside.
I feel very warm with your telling of your story. It shows that you have trust in me and I want trust. I will never violate it.

In the last few years my hearing has deteriorated. I grew up with a father that had ear problems and remember well my frustration when I constantly had to repeat myself. I also remember his impatience when I would just say "Never mind" instead of saying it again. He would say that if it wasn't worth repeating then it wasn't worth saying in the first place. Now, the shoe is on the other foot. I am experiencing what HE must have. I can hear OK on the phone and if people speak clearly and I can see their mouth, I don't have a problem, but some people mumble and talk softly. I strain and watch their mouth closely, even trying to get closer, but when I do, they just talk more softly. I find myself avoiding conversation, contact and communication with people. Some people in my office that are new and don't know me, think I'm not friendly because I sometimes don't respond to them.
I find myself just smiling and shaking my head in a non-descript manner, not knowing if an affirmative response is appropriate to what ever they asked me or said to me. In the hall, when I pass someone, I always smile but then look away quickly and walk fast like I'm in a hurry to get someplace. I figure this way, they won't try to begin idle conversation. There is nothing wrong with a hearing aid. It's no different than glasses to see, but I have a problem with becoming dependent on a device. I suppose I will have to do something soon. Sometimes, I'm called to testify in court and it's embarrassing when I can't hear attorneys questions or the judges instructions. I make excuses that I'm just getting over a cold and ear infection and can't hear because of that.

Anyway, as an adult, I can deal with it. I can't imagine what a child must go through when they are parked like a piece of furniture and the world moves around them, ignoring them.

I have a cousin that is in a wheelchair after a childhood falling accident.
She damaged her spinal cord and has no feeling in her legs. When we were children, I tried to treat her like anyone else and not make a big deal about her affliction. I watched the other kids make jokes and treat her like she wasn't a living, feeling person. As an adult, she has told me, as you have, how she felt and what her feelings were when she was small. She is a doctor now and works with kids with physical problems in a children's hospital. I visit her sometimes at work and help moving the children around and entertaining them. I feel good when I leave.

I know that your experience has made you stronger and a more compassionate person. God has a reason for everything and you may not be as sweet as you are if it wasn't for the experience. Thank you for sharing that with me and now we will forget it and move on. I must admit, I'm glad you don't look like the Elephant Man!

There was another movie similar to that, called "Mask". It was with Cher Bono and her son was deformed. Very sad, but very uplifting too. You say you cry a lot. I say you cry for others and not yourself. That's called compassion and it's a very good trait. Keep it up!

No, Pitootie has no meaning, just cute. I still like "Sunshine" best. I see it in your eyes and the eyes are the window to the soul.

So... what are we going to do about all the miles between us. Maybe we can get the Brazilian government to move the country closer. I would try here, but our government can't get ANYTHING done. Is is hard to get a visitors Visa to come to the US? Is is hard to visit Brazil? I need to investigate this, even though I have no idea when I could do it. If we were closer, we would have already met and that's frustrating. Maybe a rich relative will die and leave me tons of money. Or maybe I'll rob a bank.

I'd better go to work now. Hope you are having a nice day. Kiss the babies for me when you get home. I'll miss you this weekend. You need to get Internet at home and we could chat live on ICQ or someplace like that. I would like to call you again, but I'll wait for a time. I can't afford frequent calls to "Cuurrr-a-Teeba".

Attached is terrible picture of me. I look like I just got out of bed. My son took it with the digital camera about two weeks ago. If you get past this, it's all down hill!

luv,
dave

Neysa 11/19/99 - CHILDREN, MOVIES, SAD STORIES AND THE ELEPHANT MAN

When I was about 1 year old, I was diagnosed with bilateral congenital hip dislocation. My parents didn’t suspect of anything wrong until I started to walk. I was put in a cast for more than a year, to make the bones fit in the right place. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t play. My grandmother used to bring me to the kitchen table, and I would listen to the radio and play with the silverware while she cooked. She was my best friend. And I could sing every song they played on the radio.

I think that’s why I’m a little quiet and shy. At the time I should be running and playing with the other kids, I had to play alone. I had a cousin who came to play with me once in a while. Her favorite toy was always the one she saw in my hands. And I couldn’t run after her.

After that my life was a series of doctors, trips and X-rays. The cast didn’t fix my bones, and we often travelled to Rio or São Paulo (we lived in Curitiba then) looking for a doctor who knew what to do. Then more casts, then braces, and no result.

I think most of my childhood was normal. Of course I couldn’t run like the other kids, but I went to school, I helped my mother sometimes at home, and sometimes I even went out to buy bread or any other small things she would need.

One day, when I was 9 years old, I was going to buy bread, I heard a woman say to her daughter when I passed by them, "Poor girl. She’s a cripple."

I’m not sure if this word in English expresses the same exact meaning of the word she used in Portuguese.

I was surprised by what I had just heard. I had no idea that this was how people saw me. I never saw myself as such. My parents never treated me as such.

Thinking about it now, I can imagine how they must have suffered, how they must have tried to protect me. Even so, they always taught me to be independent.

I continued on my way, but those words wouldn’t go out of my mind. So, that’s what the world thought I was.Fortunately, I never settled for that. I knew that they were wrong.

I can’t say that those words didn’t hurt me. They did. I didn’t know how to fight, I didn’t know what to do.

It took me some time to learn that my attitude would show them who I really was. You can’t fight against what people think. The only way to prove they’re wrong is to show them what you really are.. Little by little. Day by day. It takes longer. But it works.

I found out that there are many cripples with perfect bodies and minds. They are very good at finding excuses not to do what they should do. Always complaining. Always showing the world how unfortunate they are. That’s their choice. Not mine.

I never felt sorry for myself, and I never let anybody feel sorry for me. It’s a waste of time, and I have better things to do.

It happened other times. Some people would even try to offend me. But then I was already prepared for that.

I’ve noticed that many people are just incapable of looking in the eyes of someone who has a physical problem. They just don’t know how to deal with it, and they try to protect themselves from feelings they can’t handle. And they end up making you invisible. They prefer not to see. They forget you have feelings. They really don’t think you have feelings. I guess they think you’re so busy being a cripple that you wouldn’t have time to talk, to smile, to have ideas.

I know these people NEVER meant to hurt me. It’s just that they don’t know what else to do.

Finally, after countless doctors and X-rays, I was operated when I was 11, and my hips were fixed, in November 1971. After the surgery, I used another cast for 3 months, until the bones consolidated.

When Christmas came, the whole family came to celebrate in our house. I couldn’t walk, so my parents decided to put me in the living room couch, so I could participate in the party. Cousins, uncles, aunts, they would all come from one room to another, and avoided to look when they passed by me.

They wouldn’t want me to see in their eyes how sorry they were. And when our eyes crossed, they wouldn’t know what to say.

I know how it feels to be invisible. I know how it feels not to be seen as a person.

When I first watched the Elephant Man, I didn’t just cry. I sobbed! I knew exactly how he felt. And I admired his courage.

All this I just told you, Dave, is part of me. Part of what I am.

It all made me grow to be the person I am today. And I think I am a much better person than I would be if I hadn’t had those experiences.

I’m not bitter. I’m not sorry. I had the strength to overcome everything. I love life. I love people. I love to see beauty wherever it is. I love that little girl I once was. (sometimes I just wish I could hug her and kiss her and tell her it’s all right) And most of all, I love myself. I WON!

Dave,

you told me not to hold back. I’m not holding back, as you can see. God knows what it took me to write this. Very few people have heard this story. But I think I’ve been built around those sad experiences, and anyone who wants to know me should know them.
Again, I’m not sad, and I’m not unhappy. I don't think the world owe me anything. So, don’t be sad or unhappy for me.

I’ll be lighter in the next messages, I promise!


Love,

Neysa

Dave 11/12/99 - Re: Autobiography

Hello Princess,

You could NEVER bore me. You can write as long a letter as you wish and I will try to respond to every question or comment.
Thank you for the Autobiography. It's hard to fill in the years in type.
My mother wrote a fairly detailed (200 typed pages) autobiography before she died. It starts with her first recall at about age 4. That would be 1916, so you can imagine it is pretty interesting. She had five sisters and one brother. She was the youngest and her father died when she was about three months old. Her mother never remarried, so she raised all those kids by herself working in a dress factory. All the girls worked making clothes too. They are ALL gone now. Since my mom was the youngest and I was an accident... most of my cousins were adults when I was born. My sister is 12 years older than me.

I suppose I should write a accounting of my life for my kids, but I'm not exactly ready to end it just yet. Seriously, I'd love to know everything about you. Especially all you secret desires and fetishes.

My fetish is Terrycloth. You know, like towels? Not the velour soft kind but the slightly rough absorbent ones. I had a Terrycloth bathrobe once and had to stop wearing it cause I'd get all excited. I figure if I had some Terrycloth underwear, I'd be dead by 9 in the morning. With a smile... but dead none the less!

Your remark about learning about yourself by writing, was very interesting.
I believe that's true. I think sometimes, that the reason I write so much is just for that reason. I talk the same way. I am very passionate about some things and love to go on and on about them.

Friendship is a funny topic. I've read so many definitions of friendship and some are contradictory. I believe the more friends you have the less time you have for yourself. Then again... without friends, you are truly alone. Your children can be friends if you treat them well. I think a husband or wife should be friends and sometimes I think it's more important than love. No secrets, no hidden life or agenda. Total open communication.
So I suppose that means total "Trust". So is "Trust" really Love? Is there anyone out there to whom you could confess all your thoughts and emotions without fear of judgement? I think that would be rare and precious. I got married to Terre in 1974 and we lived together until a couple years ago and I NEVER trusted her enough to tell her my feelings.
Does that mean I never loved her. I think maybe so! Making a couple babies together, doesn't have anything to do with love.
So... I've never had what I want. I will marry again but only ONCE more.
This person will be part of me, but a separate person. I want to find someone that I trust with any and everything. I want someone who will tell me the truth, always, and expect the same from me. I want someone that after 10 years, I am in pain when we are not together. Someone that can excite me and keep our intimate relationship fresh, year after year, with passion and lust. I don't want the "Honeymoon" to ever be OVER. Do you know what I mean?

On a lighter note... the cookies are gone. I gave some away and I admit to eating some more. I am really working on that 210kg. I don't honestly know what I weigh, but it's more than most people think. The picture I sent you first of me in the red shirt and little curls in the back of my head...
I was probably about 260 pounds. Look at it! Do I look like 117kg. in that picture? I never can tell people what I weigh until they meet me because they get a picture of me a lot fatter than I am. I don't think you can really tell how big I am in pictures. I have a large body, legs, arms and head. I do like small women though. My first love was 149cm and 42kg.
Anyone over 160cm is too tall for me. Now that I've seen your picture including body, I can say you are about the perfect size. I think I can get my arms ALL the way around you and put you in my pocket if I want.
I'm glad you like the current Dave more then the young Dave. I have some old pictures that I think are funny. I'll attach one of me with a friend and my new puppy (on the seat of my motorcycle). Gee, you were only a little girl when this was taken. (I think about 1975) Check out the hair!
Looks stupid now, but it was "cool" then. The second one is even older. It was taken on Daytona Beach (about 40km from where I now live) in about 1974 or 73. (I was probably about 110kg in this picture and I look almost thin) I'll look for something more current when I get back to work. Most of the digital pics are in there. These are scans of course.

Yes my sweet, I'd love to be MORE than friends. How patient are you?
Brazil is a long way away and honestly, I don't know when I'll have the money to visit. We have some time to get to know each other better anyway.
I need some time to work off those chocolate cookies.:) Just believe that I am not playing "Penpal" games and I am truly looking for my lost love, no matter where she is.

I just found another picture that David took of me at the races last summer.
I was clocking lap times on Steve in his Alfa Romeo racer at the Sebring Racetrack. David waited until he was in the picture and snapped it. See, I am a fat old man now!!!

OK, little angel, that is enough for this note. If you don't work until Monday, you may not get this until then anyway. I get excited when I see new mail from you, so don't make me wait too long.

I didn't mean to make this letter sound like I am insecure about myself or anything else. I am very positive and sure of myself. I know exactly what I want in life and it is very simple. I truly need someone very special. I am impressed with your communication skills and your open trusting way. I will never violate your trust, so don't hold back. I will tell you the truth always and I expect the same.

So... do you still love me???????? :)

dave

"There are three lessons I would write,
three words as with a burning pen,
in tracings of eternal light
upon the hearts of men.
Hope, Faith, and Love"

-Johann von Schiller